It's all for you.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Episode 3; Something Borrowed

Guys, the holidays can really be a bore. And to get through the day without having the guilt of wasting time hanging on you, you have to study. No idea why but that's just how I feel and I'm sure most of you do too. And after much studying, I got really bored & surfed through a few of my friends' blogs. I entered one of my good friend's blog, Dann, and read his posts. There was one in particular that caught my eye. And even though he wrote that in his own point of view, it totally touched me and I could feel how he felt.

Cause I went through it myself.

With much credited, this is Dann's post;

Have you ever been with someone you truly love and came up with this imaginary list of things that you and your partner might do together in the future ? This list isin't a demanding one. It's one of those lists that just adds on by itself as time goes by. They mainly comprise of simple things or activities that is related to your partner.

But as you're in the midst of making this list, your partner tells you things that challenge the ones you have in your list. In order to be the best for your partner, you are forced to completely erase your list and create an entirely new one based on the ideals of your partner so that he/she is satisfied. Or thats what you think. For the sake of your partner's happiness, you're willing to set aside your desires.

Apart from that, there is also the issue of egoism. Ever been so much in love that you're willing to sacrifice your feelings and ego for that one individual that really really matters to you the most ? For instance, your partner says things that hurt your feelings. He/She doesn't realise it and you dont show that you're affected by them because you love them. You're willing to be patient, completely shut down your ego and put up a brave front. You smile and laugh it off. He/She will never know. They don't have to. If they did, it would only complicate matters.

Your partner's responses to the simplest of things you say also matter to you. Ever gotten responses that indicate that he/she doesn't give a damn about what you just said ? Or maybe the ones that suggest that he/she is unsure of what to say when what you really needed that one answer to know that your partner will always be there for you no matter what.

Some say you can't pin high hopes on a person. Everyone's different. Some require much more patience and understanding. But a relationship's not meant to be solely based on one party. Imagine being very much in love with your partner but the responses you get from them indicate that they feel otherwise. It feels like your heart has been ripped apart over and over and stabbed at the same time. It's like climbing this mountain and when you think you're near to the top, you get pushed down by your own companion. But when you truly love someone, you brave your wounded heart through it all and smile.

But day by day, you fear just one thing. That your partner might leave you. You fear it so much it kills you and you can't stop thinking about it when something goes wrong between the both of you. You think of the worst possible scenarios that might happen so that you'll at least be prepared should it really turn into reality. You love your partner so much that you're afraid that you might get betrayed in the end and all the love you've given was done in vain.

You try your best to change your ways according to your partner's desires. You do not care about yours anymore. Only your partner matters. But sometimes you are scared to look into their eyes. You fear that they might just leave you in the blink of an eye.

But one should always remember this.

The craziest and loudest of people are usually the ones with the fragile hearts. Their smiles and laughters are their attempt at covering up for that fragility. And there is always a limit to this. They might suddenly crumble and break down to the point where they can't be helped.

The only difference about us- I'm already at that point where I can't be helped.

Honestly, I can't judge myself and hence I can't tell you what I did right or wrong. But one thing for sure, I know I felt all these feelings that Dann has perfectly described. And it was all there up to the point you said you had no feelings for me anymore.

That was the limit.

You crumbled and broke me down to that point where I can't be helped. That once fragile heart got shattered into the tiniest pieces you can ever imagine. I reached to the top of the mountain, but you just pushed me down and I fell, face down. And it took me a whole lot of work to get it back together.

I'm a wreckage, I'm a mess. And it's not a grammatical error, cause I'm still one. I thought I was being the best for you. And I did show you my worst. But you couldn't accept my worst. You threw away all of that, packed your bags and left. You left me hanging out to dry. God knows how much water in me I have left to survive this drought.

Day by day, I did fear for the worst- that you'd leave me. And eventually you did. You have no idea what I had to go through to just get back up, let alone to be myself again. We can't dwell on the past and we can't hope for the future. Neither am I. It's time I need a closure and move on. Too much pain I've experienced and it has affected me in the worst of ways.

And all the things I did was sincere and of no intentions to hurt you. You never did realise how much I loved you and how much I sacrificed to make things work, or at least made it last. No, it's not a grammatical mistake neither. You told me to get over you and move on. That was the final bullet.

I'm not some boy that you can just sway but watch me bleed.

4:33 PM